This is a list of things that the Flying Spaghetti Monster suggests you don’t do. Remember, he’s a positive god. Most of his wisdom is in the It’s-Better-If-You-Do section. However, there are a few things that the FSM wants to suggest that you don’t do.
1. It’s Better If You Don’t Put People In Cages
2. It’s Better If You Don’t Work Too Much
3. It’s Better If You Don’t Value Possessions
4. It’s Better If You Don’t Hurt Others
5. It’s Better If You Don’t Censor Things
1. It’s Better If You Don’t Put People In Cages
His Noodliness The Flying Spaghetti Monster knows that jails and prisons are very popular, and he understands that this is based on some humans having fear of other humans, and wanting them to be separated in some way.
Fear is a very normal and natural instinct. His Noodliness watched as humans evolved and saw that they spent lots of time running away from bears, lions, and panthers. He knows that humans are squishy meat sacks with very little in the way of defenses. Fear emanates from deep inside of a human’s ancient lizard brain, and it can be so strong that it paralyzes them. The Flying Spaghetti Monster respects that you -as a human- feel that way. He will never hold it against you.
Having said that, he asks that you understand that fear is not always to be trusted. It’s a tricky thing.
He finds that humans often have far less fear than they should, (they do things like jump off cliffs and break their heads open on rocks.) And yet, sometimes humans have far more fear than they should, and they forget that people who make mistakes are still human beings.
Yes, you read that right.
A person who makes a mistake is still a human being with thoughts, feelings, family, friends, and a life. That person may still be of use to society. He or she might discover the cure for a disease, or figure out how to build a functioning warp drive. It is very important that you don’t just lock a human in a cage for the rest of his or her life because he cheated on his taxes or sold some drugs.
Humans make mistakes.
A person who makes a mistake does not do so because they are inherently evil. They do not do it because they are a bad person who can never be redeemed. In the event that a person makes a mistake; it is often because society has failed that person. It could have been an issue in their education, a problem with their biology, or a fault with the parents of the person. There are so many factors that go into human development, and they all matter when looking at the choices a person makes.
Remember: Under the same conditions, you would have developed the same way. If you had the same parents and were born into the same situation, as well as exposed to the same factors when developing, then you would be that person.
People like to take a lot of credit for who they are. The FSM is annoyed with this because he feels that humans should pay more attention. Each of you is shaped by a variety of things which you very rarely have control over, but which have a profound impact on Who You Are.
For example: A person’s personality will always be partially based on the body that they live in. Of course a person who has Lupus will be shaped by that disease. A person who loses their legs will view the world differently than a person who has not lost their legs. The state of a person’s body will affect who they are and the opinions they have. These are things that a person generally has no control over, and yet they will shape who that person is!
A person who is born to a drug addict and never has a stable family will bear the emotional and mental scars from that. A person born into an impoverished area will learn different behaviors than a person born into a gated community full of nice homes. It absolutely matters whether or not Santa Claus brought you presents, and humans must stop pretending that this isn’t true.
A wise man once said: “You don’t need to walk a mile in my shoes; just spend some time in my mind.” Even the physical structures of a person’s mind can change who they will be. How they think will be shaped by their body, their environment, and their genetics. Humans actually have very little control over who they become, and can take very little credit for their accomplishments.
Sometimes, a human is born very smart. That person must still study and try hard to design a warp-capable space ship. Yet, they have the opportunity to create something amazing because they were lucky enough to be born with the intelligence to do so.
Other times, a human might have gestated in a mother that could only afford to drink tap water. And perhaps, due to a lack of regulation, the tap water might have lead in it. Unfortunately, that human will then be born less intelligent. They will have to work harder to keep up in primary school. They may give up on finishing secondary school. They will never design a space ship.
Now, that human might invent a new method of doing something or create something beautiful anyway. It does not always take intelligence to do great things. However, it does take intelligence to be a doctor or an aerospace engineer. So, the person with lower intelligence is limited in what they can accomplish. And yet, these things are not the fault of the human.
Bad water and conditions of extreme poverty are the fault of a society that allowed regulations to get bad and infrastructure to collapse.
Now, if society does not give these humans with disadvantages an opportunity to contribute, then it is only logical that they will act out. All humans want to add to society and to be recognized for the value that they add. If society does not give a human the chance to do this, then they will numb the pain with drugs or end up committing crimes.
When that happens, the individual human bears very little responsibility for their actions. Society has failed them. And, all of society must answer for that failure; not just the human who made the mistake.
So, stop putting humans in cages. No one learns anything good in a cage! If a human makes a mistake, you may confine them in a place of education and care, where the reasons for their crime can be discovered and fixed. However, the FSM believes that in the case of most crimes, the person shouldn’t be removed from society. They can learn just as well out in the freedom, and it will be better for them to be around other people who are leading successful lives and can be a good example to them. Seeing positive lives to model can help a person learn to lead a more positive life.
Example: If a person committed the crime of stealing, then putting them in a cage is a bad solution. It must first be determined why they stole. If it was for survival, then this person needs a class on why stealing is bad, and to be given all necessary resources to survive (food, housing, healthcare.)
If the person committed the crime due to be a mental illness (like kleptomania) then the person needs therapy and assistance from their peers to modify their behavior.
However, at no point would the thief benefit from being put in a cage, and society does not benefit from having that person dependent on us for support while they are confined.
If someone is extremely dangerous and has committed unforgivable crimes (like killing children), then that person should still not be thrown in a cage and forgotten about. Confine them, if you must. But give them a chance to add value to society. Perhaps they would be good at programming? Maybe they would be a good musician? Stopping someone from having the tools to contribute to society is a terrible crime, and it is not one that His Noodliness can forgive. Don’t stop anyone from having the chance to contribute to society. Even if they are confined, give them opportunities to learn and give back.
2. It’s Better If You Don’t Work Too Much
A person is not at their best for more than a few hours a day. When His Noodliness came to the apartment of this unworthy disciple, He told me that we would only talk for a few hours each time we met. He said that a human can only actively listen for a few hours, and spending more time together would be a waste.
This is a function of human biology. There is only so much room in the temporary memory area. Things must then move to processing, and after that they must move to storage (a process that happens during sleep.) This will allow the subconscious mind to turn over what the human has learned and offer its own insight.
The point is: a human brain cannot be useful for that many hours a day. It needs time to process information. So a work day of more than 6 hours or so is probably pointless.
Some humans have jobs that are physically demanding. It is important that those humans don’t work too much as well, because their bodies will wear out. A body is where a human lives, and it is very important that it stays in good condition so that the human can live a long and happy life enjoying pasta.
Things like bar tending can require moving tables, lifting kegs, and carrying heavy pitchers of liquid. This wears out a human body. For that reason, it must not be done for too long. If that human wears out their body, then society will have to step in and care for the human later when they are broken.
Instead, people should do a few years of this kind of work (not long shifts) and then move on to a job that is less hard on them. No one should be expected to do physical labor for more than six hours a day, and also not for more than twenty years of their life.
These are simply the physical limitations that stop humans from working all the time. They are very important and absolutely should not be ignored, but they are not the only factor that a human should keep in mind.
Here are some other things to think about.
Alone Time: Humans should have alone time. This can be spent in the woods, on the beach, meditating at home, exercising, or watching bad TV. It is up to the individual human how they spend their alone time (although remember, the FSM likes it when you create art.) The thing that matters is that humans spend time alone, with no one else around to tell them how to behave or impose expectations on them. Humans figure things out on their own, and learn how to be by themselves. It’s important to take time for this.
Family: Not all humans have a good family. Some humans lose their family to disease, war, famine, or other tragedies. Other humans have a family of abusive, horrible people. The FSM has seen many wonderful humans who were not lucky enough to have a good family. It is a terrible loss, and leaves a wound that is always there.
However, if you do have good family, you need to spend time with them and get to know them. It helps you to have a more complete picture of your story. Also, you may later decide to make a family of your own, and if that is the case, you will need to care for them and nurture them. Either way, if you have a good family, you need to spend time with them. If you don’t have a family, you will need to make up for that loss by spending more time alone and more time with friends.
Friends: It’s important to spend time with people that you like and have things in common with. Your family is the story of where you came from and they help to explain many of the traits that you have. However, a person comes into a family by random chance, and being born into a family does not mean that you will get along or have similar interests. It is therefore important to find people who you do have things in common with and spend time with them. This seems to be the most difficult thing for people, so the FSM would like to suggest some ways to make this happen.
1. You can make friends when you are in school or if you have a job. Make sure that you take full advantage of your time at work and at school to make friends with anyone who has common interests. Attending Pastafarian services should also be another point of gathering at which to make friends.
2. Activities are another great way to make friends. Do you play D&D? Great! Place an ad on Craigslist or find a group on social media and get yourself a group to play D&D with. Sharing activities is often a way to make lifelong friends. Don’t choose to play online and be detached from human connection! Go in person and have face to face time with humans.
3. Going places is another great way to make friends. If you have a dog, you can go to a dog park. If you don’t have a dog, you can go to the regular park. The FSM likes turtles a lot, and he thinks you can meet a lot of great people in the reptile section of your local pet store. Just know that people who like the same things as you will probably be in the places you like to do things, so maybe reach out and see if you can make a new friend.
Note: Sometimes you will hang out with people and realize that even though you have things in common, you don’t really get along. That is okay. Just tell them that you are sorry that there was no friend chemistry, and move on to new people. Eventually you will find people you click with.
The FSM says: “Along your path in life, you will eventually find people who are the same kind of weird as you. Those weirdos are your tribe.”
To review: You must make time to be alone, to be with family, and to be with friends. This means that you can’t spend all of your time working. Don’t let people try to guilt you into working too much.
3. It’s Better If You Don’t Value Possessions Too Much
There are many stories in human history of specific humans who were greedy and horded things. Sometimes, these humans were glorified. Other times, they were shunned. Societies throughout time have had varied responses to pretty much everything.
However, His Noodliness The Flying Spaghetti Monster wants to set the record straight on this because there is a right way and a wrong way to feel about the humans who amass great wealth and do not redistribute it: They have a mental disorder.
The natural human response to having more than they need is to share. One should build a longer table, rather than higher walls. The FSM appreciates people who can see this up front, without having to be told. Unfortunately, some humans are unwell. They gather more and more resources to themselves through whatever economic and political systems are in place, and they keep it all. This is not how humans are supposed to behave!
Example: A human makes a product. He is lucky to have family connections and money to develop this product and bring it to market. What a fortunate human! The product is very popular and everyone buys one. The human who created it and exploited his family money and connections to get it to consumers makes a lot of money.
However, this human is unwell. His brain is defective. Instead of re-investing this money into his community, he keeps all of it for himself. This human walks by homeless people begging in the streets, and he gives them nothing. He uses lawyers and loopholes to avoid paying taxes. He sees the animals in need at the local animal shelter and does not adopt them. He keeps all of the money he took, and he gives nothing at all back.
In a situation like this, it is up to the people in his community to let him know that what he is doing is wrong. Having more than someone else is not a crime. Even having twice or three times as much as someone else is not a crime. It’s okay to be successful!
However, having hundreds of times more than others and taking from society without giving back is a crime. That is hording resources, and when you horde too many resources, you create conditions that force others to go without. That is not okay. Take note humans! It is absolutely wrong for any one human to have hundreds of times more than others. There should never be too big of a divide between the rich and the poor.
At all times in history when this has happened, the poor rose up and killed the rich people and their families. That is because they instinctively understood that it was wrong.
Remember: The FSM knows that some humans only make enough to get by. However, he asks that you not be greedy. If you have a home and some possessions, then you have enough. Once you have enough, then a percentage of everything you make thereafter should go to others. Pay taxes. Build tiny homes for the homeless. Plant community gardens. Raise chickens and give out the eggs. Whatever. Just give back to your community.
If you find that you are giving back to your community and you still have too much wealth, then simply start giving it away. Send a check to everyone on your Christmas card list. Sponsor children’s sports teams or pay for all the students lunches at a random school for a year. Maybe get a license to buy debt, and then buy up people’s debts and forgive them. Build libraries and churches for the glory of His Noodliness the FSM.
There is no end to the ways that you can give back if you find that you have too much. Just make sure that you give away enough of what you have that you never have hundreds of times more than the other humans.
Point: Don’t value possessions over people.
Stuff is just stuff. It cannot love you. It is not important. It gets in your way when you want to move to another country or live on the road for a while. Stop thinking that amassing stuff is a reason to live, and start living for things that matter instead.
4. It’s Better If You Don’t Hurt Others
This is really pretty simple. It shouldn’t require a long, drawn-
His Noodliness The Flying Spaghetti Monster loves every single one of you. He thinks that all of you matter, and he does not want a single one of you to suffer. Therefore, when one human hurts another human, it makes him sad. Do not make His Noodliness cry tears of pasta sauce. If another human does something that upsets you, stop and explain why you are upset so that the other human can learn. If the human made a mistake or committed a crime, refer him to whatever structure your community has in place for re-training broken humans. If someone attacks you, do as little damage as possible when you subdue them. (The FSM is a firm believer in non-lethal means.)
Remember: The only person that you have to live with for the rest of your life is yourself. You must be careful what you do, so that you do not fill your life with regrets. If you hurt or kill another human, it does more than make the Flying Spaghetti Monster cry. It also hurts you. You must carry it in your soul for the rest of your life. When you are alone, you will have to remember what you have done, and know that you were wrong. Another human was hurt, and it was your fault. This will weigh you down, and it should weigh you down. So please, do not hurt other humans.
If your government starts a war, protest it. If your government conscripts you to fight, object. If they refuse to respect your objections, run away. Don’t hurt others for your own ends, but certainly don’t hurt them on behalf of a government!
Please Note: The Flying Spaghetti Monster does have deep sympathy for those who join an army because they have no other option. It is His wish that humans create better societies, so that no one will be left with no opportunities except to join an army. His Noodliness believes that governments often prey on the most vulnerable in order to get their soldiers, and this is morally reprehensible.
Remember: Society should never allow a situation where humans must join an army in order to get food, housing, healthcare, or education. These are human rights that all people should have access to.
That said, as long as some humans have no choice, The Flying Spaghetti Monster asks that those who join a military work for said military, but do not kill anyone. Just refuse. That goes for the people in the invading army and the people defending their homes. It goes for all the people in all the armies. Join if you must. Let them train you. However, if they order you to kill another human, you must refuse.
This is a hard thing for his Noodliness to ask. He knows that it may put you in a difficult situation someday. If that happens, please know that he is sorry. And yet, you should also know that each of you that refuses to take a life is helping to create a better world. If no one will fight the wars that governments want, then they will no longer be able to have wars. This means they will have to talk to each other instead, and solve things with words.
Remember: “No war is morally justified; lest as a last resort.”
If you are clever humans worthy of His sauce, then you will always be able to find another way to solve a problem. Clever humans never get to the last resort, because they make something else work first.
For those who did not hear His Word before their government forced them to kill someone, know that you have forgiveness. Don’t despair! Just do better in the future. Volunteer. Contribute to the good in the world. Redeem yourself through kindness and charity. His Noodliness is not a cruel god and he doesn’t want to punish you. He just wants you to do better in the future.
5. It’s Really Better If You Don’t Censor Things
Sometimes a government will arise, and it will become corrupted. It will want to rule the people without giving them the ability to question. When this occurs, you may find books, websites, or ideas censored. Perhaps there will be words you can’t say. Maybe there will be music you can’t listen to. Whatever the case, this is censorship.
His Noodliness has declared all censorship to be fundamentally wrong. Each child should have access to an education. This education should teach the perspectives of a variety of people when it comes to history. It should focus on only demonstrable facts when it comes to math and science. It should expose them to a variety of philosophies and thoughts from all over the world, without prejudice or bias. And, it should teach them to make art so that they can contribute to The Conversation.
Some ideas must be taught only insofar as to explain why they are false. For example, it would be wrong to teach children that the Earth is 6,000 years old because this is demonstrably untrue. It would be wrong to teach them that the Earth is flat, or that they must believe in Allah or Jesus. These are things that are not true, and their falseness can be proven. False opinions must be taught as what they are so children know what kind of lies are out there. However, they must not be confused with facts!
Regardless, one should not censor what children can know. They should know about all things, and learn how to tell the fact from the fiction.
Example: Explain that racism exists, but also explain that it has no basis in fact. No one race is better than any other, in spite of the fact that some (garbage) people believe this.
This also applies to sex. It is wrong to tell children lies about their biology. A stork does not bring babies. Sex is not morally wrong. Being gay is genetic and nothing to be ashamed of. The Flying Spaghetti Monster is damn tired of people teaching their children lies about sex and about their body parts. The only thing children should be taught about sex is how to do it safely. As we see antibiotic-resistant strains of some STIs and incurable diseases like AIDS and Herpes, it is becoming harder and harder to have safe sex. Children should know the risks and fully understand how STIs are transmitted.
Let’s be honest: All STIs could be eliminated in a single generation if people simply stopped spreading them. We could very easily live in a world with no Herpes, no AIDS, and no Syphilis. The reason that we don’t live in that world is because children are not being educated properly. This is largely due to censorship by bible-thumping bigots who say that children should just not have sex until they are married. Since that will never, ever happen; it is better if they know the facts.
That is actually the entire reason that it’s better if you don’t censor things: Because it’s always better to know the facts. Please stop trying to hide or cover up facts, or teach disproven opinions as though they are true. It’s not okay.
With that said, please stop confusing censorship with decency. It is true that hate speech is protected in most free societies. You can say that a minority group is not equal or that they are bad. However, it is not decent that you do so. The KKK is a good example of this. It would be wrong to censor them. However, it is also wrong that they ever speak. They are foul and twisted inside. They are fundamentally bad humans, who are rotten to their core. If the FSM believed in killing, He would want them killed first. As He does not believe in killing, they should be locked away in schools and forcibly educated.
Remember: One of the main duties of a Pastafarian is to be a champion of education. No one needs education more than those engaging in hate speech. Don’t stand by and let hate groups spread ignorance. I (the prophet Violet Johnson) once attended a counter-protest against the Westburro Baptist Church. They stood on one corner of an intersection and said mean things about gay people. On the other three corners of the intersection, people in rainbow bikinis blasted music, partied, and engaged in same-sex kisses.
Be the people on the other three corners as often as you can, and do everything you can to drown out hate and to educate the hateful.
The take away here is that things that benefit an individual human are often also things that benefit all of society.
For example; finding something that you love will make you a happier human. But, it will also make you a more productive human (which will benefit society.) Another example; living in harmony with the planet will save you money, as wind and other natural electricity is free. However, it also benefits the human race because the planet will still be healthy for future generations.
His Noodliness The Flying Spaghetti Monster wants very much for humans to be happy, and also for humanity to continue. It is His wish that you heed these suggestions of Dos and Donts so that humans can be happy, and so that human species can live on. Remember, the Book of Tortellini is not a more important book than the others. It’s not as though these delicious suggestions matter more than the Book of Lo Mein or the Book of Ravioli. His Word is meant to be taken as a whole; rather than picked through for certain things. Other religions often “cherry pick” which parts of a bible they wish to follow, and which they wish to ignore. His Noodliness does not want that to happen with his book. While he isn’t the kind of god who commands things, he does very strongly encourage humans to pay attention to the “gist” of this bible, as a whole, and try to follow it all.