Today we will talk about the two High Holidays on the Pastafarian Calendar. Obviously there are quite a few holidays in Pastafarianism, but we’ll get to the rest another time. For now, His Noodliness The Flying Spaghetti Monster wishes The Unitarian Church of Pasta to celebrate two High Holidays.
Northern Hemisphere: Decemberish
Southern Hemisphere: Juneish
*Just look up when the Winter equinox is, and you will know when to celebrate.
Pastamas takes place on or close to the darkest day of the year (in your hemisphere). This holiday is given to you by The Divine Carbohydrate in order to allow you a point of light in the darkness. Humans struggle without sunlight, and often become depressed. Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) happens when there have been too many dark days, and it starts to bring you down.
As such, it is important to fight the darkness with light. There are two ways that you must do this:
1. Make Literal Light
Light candles, lamps, and lanterns. Make the darkest day seem bright in a literal way. Have parades with colorful lanterns if you can. If you cannot openly celebrate, then at least turn all the lights on in your own home and watch a nature show set in the tropics (preferably on a sunny island somewhere). Fill your life with color, beauty, and light for the day.
The Flying Spaghetti Monster also approves of fireworks if they are at a park or rock quarry. Please remember not to set off fireworks in a residential neighborhood. War veterans need to be treated with the utmost care and respect because of the serious mental damage that is done by war. They do not need to hear things that sound like gunshots at any time of the year, so please don’t set off fireworks in a housing area! Instead, go to a park or other place where there is a large body of water, and shoot off fireworks over the water. If there is an ocean nearby, that is best. This can help a veteran have a better time, and also prevent fires that burn down the homes of Pastafarians and other humans.
Remember, don’t bring your pet when you go to set off fireworks. Animals don’t understand what is happening, and loud noises frighten them. Please respect your animal pets and let them stay happily in your home while you go and celebrate.
Another fun way to celebrate Pastamas is by hanging lights on your home. They are sold in stores for a Christian holiday, but anyone can buy them! Decorate your home with lights and shimmery things. Also consider putting flowers in your window so everyone can see them and be cheered by plants blooming even in the darkest part of the year. Many plants will bloom in the winter if given enough artificial light, or you can buy some from a store.
2. Make Metaphorical Light
The point of Pastamas is to spread joy, kindness, and warmth of the human spirit.
To help you understand Pastamas, here is a visualization that you can do: Close your eyes and take a few deep breaths. Now, imagine a flat plain, with yourself in the middle. You are all alone. Picture darkness closing in all around you, suffocating you and making you afraid. It can be rolling clouds, or just cold darkness; whatever is scariest for you. Then, picture yourself beginning to glow very faintly. Imagine that you glow brighter and brighter, until light explodes from you and pushes the darkness away. Now picture your light connecting with the distant light of another, and another, and another. Picture all Pastafarians joining their light together to drive the darkness from the entire Earth; if only for a day.
That is what Pastamas is really about.
Each Pastafarian is a point of light in the darkness. Each of you in a tiny, shining star. It is up to you, precious little lights, to drive away the darkness and remind the world of blue skies.
The way you fill the world with metaphorical light is by doing kind things for others.
Can you afford to adopt an animal from a shelter this year? If you can, maybe you should! Is there a place that is always full of litter? Maybe you can spend a few hours cleaning it up! Is there a family you know who is struggling? Invite them over for a big pasta dinner and ask if they would allow you to give them any help you can offer. Is there a homeless person you often see? Bring him or her a coat and some money to buy a hot meal!
Note: Do not give homeless people food. Some are lactose intolerant, have food allergies, or other problems you don’t know about. It is super shitty to give a homeless woman who is starving a peanut butter and jelly sandwich if she has a nut allergy. Please give homeless people money to buy their own sustenance, or take them to a restaurant and pay for their meal. Just don’t give them food unless you know them well enough to know what they can and cannot eat.
The point is to do things that make your community more beautiful, which makes the people within it happier. Do you best to find a place of darkness and drive it away.
Remember that you do not have to change who you are. If you are a cynical and grouchy person, you can continue to be that way. The Flying Spaghetti Monster is definitely not asking you to be chipper and bouncy. In fact, there are plenty of stories of a cynical and bad-natured hermit giving a poor child a toy and some money for food on Pastamas. Being a point of light does not require a demeanor of any particular kind. All it requires is for you to focus on kindness and empathy, and that you do some good for your fellow humans when they need it most.
Note: You may exchange gifts on any of the High Holidays if you choose. However, it is so important that you remember that consumerism is killing our planet. The Flying Spaghetti Monster hopes that people will strive to value time spent with loved ones over possessions. If you really want to give gifts, please focus think small and consumable; like a box of assorted pastas.
Northern Hemisphere: Marchish
Southern Hemisphere: Septemberish
*If you look of the Spring Equinox you will know about when to celebrate this holiday.
This holiday comes during a time of fair weather and sunshine. The Flying Spaghetti Monster asks that you spend it outdoors, in nature. You may wish to take a mountain hike. You may wish to swim in the ocean. Perhaps you will walk through the desert at sunrise and watch the cactus bloom. Whatever you decide to do, bring along some cold pasta for your meal and take time to give Him thanks for the inspiration to get outside and enjoy the outdoors.
Of course, not all Pastafarians are able-bodied enough to go for a long hike. But, it would do you good to make your way to a park and sit under a tree anyhow. Being outdoors in a nature is so good for humans, and sunlight makes humans happy. (Of course, sunlight only makes you happy in small doses. In large doses it will kill you because the universe has a sense of humor.)
To help celebrate in a truly Pastafarian fashion, there are a few things that you can do to help.
1. Sow Seeds
Find out what flowers grow in your region that are good for bees. Bees are very important and we must save them, so planting flowers that they love matters. This is a simple way that you can help them survive, by always having ample food that is free from the pesticides which may be related to their demise. Wherever you are, take a spade and dig small holes to put the seeds in, then gently cover them with some soil. A variety of species are best so that something will always be in bloom.
However, it’s not just for the bees! Humans also love plants and trees. The Flying Spaghetti monster encourages you to plant all sort of plants (again, region-specific) around your home and in nature. Spring is a time to add a cherry tree or a grape vine to your yard, which can help you have food and beauty all at the same time. Make a garden for yourself, and try growing some vegetables or herbs! Make window boxes and add some snow peas to your life!
The key to Summer Pastamas is to add more life to your world. There is a beauty in cities, because they show what humans can accomplish and that is a point of pride. However, cities also rarely have as much life as a human should see to remain healthy.
2. Get House Plants
Consider also adding a plant or two to your home. There are so many options for leafy plants or ferns! There are lots of blubs that do well indoors, as well. Herbs in your kitchen will smell nice and help you cook better food. And, orchids have been a favorite in every home for centuries. Having plants in your home is nice for two reasons.
First, humans evolved in nature. And though humans may love houses and feel very good about having a place to hide from bugs and weather, it is still important for the soul to see happy green life in your house. Do not fall victim to the belief that you have a “black thumb” and cannot take care of another life. You can! Just look on the Internet for care instructions, and then follow them. Anyone can care for a plant with a little work and belief in themselves.
Second, plants breath. By a lucky development of evolution, plants breath in CO2, and exhale oxygen. This is very good because humans breath in oxygen, and exhale CO2. This means that a plant that is breathing is filling your home with the oxygen that you need to survive. They nurture you as you nurture them. It’s a symbiotic relationship!
So, plant some life in your yard, your neighborhood, and your home. Fill your world with life so that you will always be just a little bit happier because it is there.
3. Eat Pasta
One of the best things about being a Pastafarian is that you always have an excuse to eat Pasta at least once a week. The FSM recommends cold pastas for Pastival because he hopes you will get out and hike or have a picnic. If you have warm pastas instead, he will be fine with that too.
If you are unsure what cold pastas to eat on this day to celebrate Him, His Noodliness recommends that you consider a nice tortellini stuffed with something lovely like a ricotta cheese or vegetables if you do not eat animal products. He considers them a good finger food because you can put the sauce on the inside instead of the outside, so they can be picked up and eaten on the go.
Note: Some people don’t like holidays because they feel lonely. Perhaps they were not lucky enough to get a loving family. Maybe they are not good at making friends. To help with this, feel free to look for a local group of Pastafarians and try to plan an event. Help each other to have people to celebrate the holidays with.